THE SKINHEAD HAMLET

Shakespeare's play translated into modern English 

Our hope was to achieve something like the effect of the New English Bible -- Eds 

ACT I SCENE I 

The battlements of Elsinore Castle. 
Enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST. 
GHOST: Oi! Mush! 
HAMLET: Yer? 
GHOST: I was fucked! 
(Exit GHOST.) 
HAMLET: O Fuck. 
(Exit HAMLET.) 

SCENE II 

The Throneroom. 
Enter KING CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, HAMLET and COURT. 
CLAUDIUS: Oi! You, Hamlet, give over! 
HAMLET: Fuck off, won't you? 
(Exit CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, COURT.) 
HAMLET: (Alone) They could have fucking waited. 
(Enter HORATIO.) 
HORATIO: Oi! Watcha cock! 
HAMLET: Weeeeey! 
(Exeunt.) 

SCENE III 

Ophelia's Bedroom. 
Enter OPHELIA and LAERTES. 
LAERTES: I'm fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you one while I'm gone. 
OPHELIA: I'll be fucked if he does. 
(Exeunt.) 

SCENE IV 

The Battlements. 
Enter HORATIO, HAMLET and GHOST. 
GHOST: Oi! Mush, get on with it! 
HAMLET: Who did it then? 
GHOST: That wanker Claudius. He poured fucking poison in my fucking ear! 
HAMLET: Fuck me! 
(Exeunt.) 

ACT II SCENE I 

A corridor in the castle. 
Enter HAMLET reading. Enter POLONIUS. 
POLONIUS: Oi! You! 
HAMLET: Fuck off, grandad! 
(Exit POLONIUS. Enter ROSENCRANZ and GUILDENSTERN.) 
ROS & GUILD: Oi! Oi! Mucca! 
HAMLET: Fuck off, the pair of you! 
(Exit ROS & GUILD.) 
HAMLET: (Alone) To fuck or be fucked. 
(Enter OPHELIA.) 
OPHELIA: My Lord! 
HAMLET: Fuck off to a nunnery! 
(The exit in different directions.) 

ACT III SCENE I 

The Throne Room. 
Enter PLAYERS and all COURT. 
I PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart... 
CLAUDIUS: I'll be fucked if I watch any more of this crap. 
(Exeunt.) 

SCENE II 

Gertrude's Bedchamber. 
Enter HAMLET, to GERTRUDE. 
HAMLET: Oi! Slag! 
GERTRUDE: Watch your fucking mouth, kid! 
POLONIUS: (From behind the curtain) Too right. 
HAMLET: Who the fuck was that? 
(He stabs POLONIUS through the arras.) 
POLONIUS: Fuck! 
HAMLET: Fuck! I thought it was that other wanker. 
(Exeunt.) 

ACT IV SCENE I 

A Court Room. 
CLAUDIUS: Fuck off to England then! 
HAMLET: Delighted, mush. 

SCENE II 

The Throne Room. 
OPHELIA, GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS. 
OPHELIA: Here, cop a whack of this. 
(She hands GERTRUDE some rosemary and exits.) 
CLAUDIUS: She's fucking round the twist, isn't she? 
GERTRUDE: (Looking out the window) There is a willow grows aslant the brook. 
CLAUDIUS: Get on with it, slag. 
GERTRUDE: Ophelia's gone and fucking drowned! 
CLAUDIUS: Fuck! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off. 
(Exeunt.) 

SCENE III 

A Corridor. 
LAERTES: (Alone) I'm going to fucking do this lot. 
(Enter CLAUDIUS.) 
CLAUDIUS: I didn't fucking do it, mate. It was that wanker Hamlet. 
LAERTES: Well, fuck him. 

ACT V SCENE I 

Hamlet's Bedchamber. 
HAMLET and HORATIO seated. 
HAMLET: I got this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I couldn't give a flying fuck. 
(Exeunt.) 

SCENE II 

Large Hall. 
Enter HAMLET, LAERTES, COURT, GERTRUDE, CLAUDIUS. 
LAERTES: Oi, wanker: let's get on with it. 
HAMLET: Delighted, fuckface. 
(They fight and both are poisoned by the poisoned sword.) 
LAERTES: Fuck! 
HAMLET: Fuck! 
(The QUEEN drinks.) 
GERTRUDE: Fucking odd wine! 
CLAUDIUS: You drunk the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow! 
HAMLET: (Pouring the poison down CLAUDIUS'S throat) Well, fuck you! 
CLAUDIUS: I'm fair and squarely fucked. 
LAERTES: Oi, mush: no hard feelings, eh? 
HAMLET: Yer. 
(LAERTES dies.) 
HAMLET: Oi! Horatio! 
HORATIO: Yer? 
HAMLET: I'm fucked. The rest is fucking silence. 
(HAMLET dies.) 
HORATIO: Fuck: that was no ordinary wanker, you know. 
(Enter FORTINBRAS.) 
FORTINBRAS: What the fuck's going on here? 
HORATIO: A fucking mess, that's for sure. 
FORTINBRAS: No kidding. I see Hamlet's fucked. 
HORATIO: Yer. 
FORTINBRAS: Fucking shame: fucking good bloke. 
HORATIO: Too fucking right. 
FORTINBRAS: Fuck this for a lark then. Let's piss off. 
(Exeunt with alarums.)